Do you know there is ONE thing, just one, that can make EVERYTHING else you do in parenting easier? And if you forget about it, it will make every other area of your parenting suffer? Let’s figure this mystery out together, shall we?
Ok, do me a favor, go grab a pen and piece of paper…..
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Got it? No, really, this will only take a second, go grab it, I’ll wait right here…. .
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Ok, number your paper 1-10
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Now list 5-10 people in your life who are your top priority.
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Who is number 1 on your list?
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If you said your child’s name you’re NOT alone, I did too.
How about a spouse or significant other?
Maybe a parent?
A best friend?
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Question? What number are YOU on this list?
What if I told you most moms I have do this activity do not put themselves on the list at all.
What if I told you YOU should be the first person listed?
So why aren’t you? Because that’s what we think in the back of our minds - everyone else first. So much so that we often judge other mothers who seem to put themselves first by calling them selfish or uncaring! What if we could change how we feel about those moms? What if we could be those moms who are refreshed and fulfilled and do not feel guilty about it?
Now don’t get me wrong, we all have periods where others’ needs come first and sometimes that’s ok. But here’s the problem:
We have a newborn baby and they need us 100% of the time. We learn to put our own needs aside to keep this tiny helpless creature alive. We nurse or fix bottles every few hours, (or every 10 minutes during the first growth spurt).
We give up our body autonomy, we give up sleep, we give up eating half of the time. And we see that tiny sleeping face and smell that sweet smell and think “It’s so worth it.” And it is. But it doesn’t stop 3 months later, when we have a baby instead of a newborn. We’ve now been sleep deprived for ¼ of a year (or longer if we had pregnancy insomnia), we haven’t been eating nutritiously opting for whatever is quick instead, we have had little to no true friend time. We’re feeling run down often times and just trying to get through. And it continues. Throughout our kids’ childhoods, we all too often ignore our hearts yearning for individuality and creativity. We ignore our sleepy eyes and down another cup of coffee. We ignore our own body cues and it starts to catch up to us with pain and weight instability (both high and low) and other signs of chronic stress.
So many times this leads to us losing our cool, flipping our lids, acting out in anger over smaller things because the big things are pushed down over and over. A HUGE part of being a calm, confident, connected mom means undoing the first months and years of conditioning and starting to recognize who Mom is beyond her motherhood and honoring that unique person’s needs.
Putting yourself first does not take away from your family. Your family gains a happier, healthier, calmer, and more energetic mom. In fact, it sets a wonderful example of how your children should treat themselves when they are older, how they should treat their partners, and how their partners should honor their needs in return. What an amazing lesson to pass on so our daughters and daughters-in-law do not have to be run-down martyrs.
Putting yourself first means making sure that your needs are fully met so that you can be that mom you want to be. If you’re running on empty, no matter how bad you want to be calm, confident and connected, you’re going to struggle. So make sure you are setting yourself up for success by doing things that feed your soul and leave you feeling refreshed and fulfilled. For some moms that means just getting help with household chores, whether from a spouse, a friend, or a housekeeper.
For some moms that means taking a shower every day.
For some moms that means fully done contour makeup and blown-out hair with high heels and pencil skirt.
For some moms that means alone time.
For some moms that means making time to create and nurture projects and ideas completely unrelated to their children.
For some moms that means going back to a 9-5 job.
For some moms that means starting their own business (or 4 like me because I’m a crazy person who loves to use her ideas to serve others).
For some moms that means insisting on a nice date with her significant other once a week.
For some moms that means a foot rub.
For some moms that means saying “no” to something.
Obviously this list could go on endlessly, but I want you to notice that each is just as valid as the next, though they are all completely different. And the only way you’ll know what is right for you is to first, learn yourself - your personality types, your tendencies, your hobbies, the unique thread that ties every job you’ve ever had, what you dream about, what keeps you up at night - all of it. And second, practice nurturing yourself. Fill your emotional cup to overflowing every day so that the saucer it’s sitting on can have the nourishment for everyone else, and your cup will never run dry.
Sometimes you have to take baby steps and build up, sometimes you need to enlist help, sometimes your plans change, but consistent effort yields consistent results.
And while you’re in this process, know that other moms are too. Some at the beginning and some at the end.
So when you see a mom struggling, ask what she can do to feel really good right now? Write, shower, go get a coffee, watch a show uninterrupted, bake, read - perpetuate the belief that she deserves to consider what she needs.
When you see a mom who is put together and happy, smile and think “good job mama.” If you have the chance to say something just tell her she looks great. Mean it. Find joy in her success instead of resentment. The cool thing about filling your cup is that it washes away all the negative feelings like jealousy so you’ll genuinely feel happy for her. And you’ll continue spreading the message that awesome moms put their needs first and they have nothing to apologize for. So start now, go ahead, you have permission, put yourself first today! Ultimately all of the people you wrote on that list will thank you for it!
If you need some more convincing:
If you feel you need help learning about yourself or fitting in some self-love, schedule a free Connection Call, or check out our YouTube Channel and Facebook group.